why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
