I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
