this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
