never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
So vagazzling was a success
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
