I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
