I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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