phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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