I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
