last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
