Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
