i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
