New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
