im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
