Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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