I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
No subtext here. People are naked.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
