dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
