I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
