My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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