the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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