It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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