The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
