I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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