She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
