got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
