My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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