Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
