he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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