Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
