Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
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