For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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