i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
