that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
farters have to be the big spoon...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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