i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
