your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
