I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
