Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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