just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
