I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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