i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
