ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
