just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
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