i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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