he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
