I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
