I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
