I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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