So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
