did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
