If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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