i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
