Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
