My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
