Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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