My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
